Every outfit I’ve ever worn to a wedding
This is a free preview of a paid post. To read it in full, subscribe for $5/mo. You’ll gain access to my Tuesday podcast, my Friday recommendations, my monthly Q&A column, and the full paid archive. To learn more, visit Maybe Baby’s glossary/FAQ. Thank you! Good morning! First and foremost, Danny’s video link to the professional yoyo-er has been UPDATED (important). Second of all, shout out to the commenters who, upon reading Danny’s guest post last week, proclaimed themselves regretful for never having listened to our insane advice podcast, Dear Danny. As I said, it’s time to lock in. As a reminder, once you subscribe to my newsletter, you can receive my podcast in the Apple Podcast app or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Third of all, thank you to everyone who weighed in on my discussion thread last week about the impossible question of whether to have another kid, inspired by a couple questions I received in my Dear Baby bank. Your comments led to one of the most thoughtful and nuanced conversations I’ve ever seen on the topic. Last week’s 15 th Speaking of my Dear Baby question bank, it’s time for another round. Today I’m answering two questions instead of three, a new trend I’ve started to account for the fact that I’m allergic to being brief and keep hitting Substack’s email size limit (you’ll probably have to “read this in web” to see the whole thing). This week I blame the photos, because in answering a question about how to dress for weddings, I decided to share everything I’ve ever worn to a wedding in search of lessons. As for the other question, I won’t burden you with further ado: #1: On penning an advice column
First of all thank you for calling me an agony aunt. My most straight-forward answer to your question is that when I was an editor at Man Repeller (2016-2020), we launched a column called “Ask MR” that we all took turns answering. This was an easy way to get started on the Q&A format because I wasn’t relying on my own specific audience and the questions were basically assigned to me. Over time, my advice “beat” came to resemble the other essays I was writing for the website, which were often personal and about “seeing old problems in a new way” (as you so nicely put it). If I recall correctly, I was pretty much the only one answering questions by the time I left, and was starting to get questions in my Instagram DMs. I think the format really suited my voice, and I appreciated the way the questions felt like writing prompts, so I kept doing it. When I left Man Repeller and launched my own newsletter, around 15,000 people who followed my writing there subscribed in the first week. I share that because I’m still proud! But I’m also sharing it to emphasize that I started here with a readership, so it’s not exactly fair to compare my audience (and bank of willing question-askers) with someone who may just be starting to cultivate one. I’ve said this a lot and I know it’s not possible for everyone, but I can’t overstate how helpful it was to be a writer and editor for someone else, as part of a group, before I did it by myself. Not just to get eyes on my writing, but to grow in lots of other ways too. Breaking from the lawless personal blog format of my post-college years to work for a proper media site with budgets, deadlines, pitch meetings, and publishing calendars transformed my skills. I had pretty good instincts going in, but I would have been lost launching a newsletter on those alone. If that describes you—a novice with good instincts who’s writing for yourself with no professional experience—I think you should extend yourself maximum grace and patience as you find your footing. It may take years of experimentation for you to figure out exactly what you want to say and how to say it, and to find people who want to read it. Working for a publisher used to be the surefire way to do that under the guidance of people with more experience. It’s a huge disservice to young writers that the pool of media titles has so quickly shrunk, and very short-sighted on the part of the private equity ghouls who buy up all the media brands and squeeze them for pathetic profits. But I’ve digressed. There are still sites out there publishing young writers’ work, I just wish the opportunities were more plentiful and better paid. To get more granular on the topic of writing an advice column, I fear the best guidance is pretty ordinary: Keep writing about the topics that interest you, lean into your thought patterns that feel even slightly off the beaten path, and make sure your views feel coherent in concept and tone. Asking people to submit is just a formality; compelling them to submit is the real challenge. Write essays that highlight your strengths as a thinker or opiner. Maybe field some questions from friends if you’d like to show off your prowess as an advice-giver specifically. In the same way that we go to trusted confidants for advice rather than just any random person who offers it, you’ll need to develop that same trust with your readers, which mostly boils down to finding your voice and learning to use it. The first questions I ever received in my private DMs were about leaving a happy relationship, and that’s because I’d written several essays on the topic, and my perspective happened to diverge a bit from the popular narrative. You mentioned in the beginning of your question that you like my writing and the way I reframe problems (thank you btw!); I left that in because it felt like you’d provided your own answer right there. My advice is a natural extension of my writing, which is usually less about precise answers than rigorous wondering, which I’m really lucky people have trusted me to do on their behalf. (It’s a big responsibility I don’t take lightly!) My advice won’t be for everyone, but at least people know what to expect. Ideally, they’d have the same feeling with you, whether your advice tends to be soft, firm, funny, sardonic, spiritual, or something else. One final thought, just to offer some perspective: I have over 100,000 subscribers and receive around 30 questions a month. That’s less than one question a month per 3,000 readers, and I’ve been doing my Dear Baby column for over five years. It’s not easy to build up a question bank! People are shy. I hope you give yourself time and patience to get there, and in the meantime focus on answering your own questions instead. #2: On wedding guest style
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